happy birthday

I wrote this post to be published on March 11…but I was not ready; not sure I will ever be ready but here it goes.

Today is a sad day for me and I am trying to be strong for my toddler z and my husband f. It is the due date for my second child. We found out at 10 weeks that the baby had no heartbeat. I remember the day, the moment, the heartache. I was so excited to have a second baby and had started to share the news with my close friends and family. I felt foolish, angry and sad. I felt alone and wanted to be with my little family as I pushed everyone else away. How do I tell my two year old that I no longer have a baby in my tummy? What did I do wrong? I felt raw.

Even worse was that I wanted it to be over but it felt like it had just began. I begged my Dr to get me admitted into the hospital right away for my recommended d&c. I won’t go into detail here but it was pretty rough. I had to leave my sweet little z for the first time overnight. All I wanted was to hug and squeeze her and to tell her how thankful I was for her. She is my strength and I felt so alone.

Time has passed and I have thought about this day quietly over and over. A death, a loss that will be with me forever and is so hard to understand until you have been there.  So on this day, I send my love to my angel baby and too all the other moms who have lost a child. I held you very close for 10 short weeks and you changed my life forever. I dream about you, I love you…I will shed some tears and I will move on but I will never forget…and I will continue my journey to try for another baby.

“everything happen for a reason, just believe.”

angel baby